ultralaz0r

This past Friday I caught up with my therapist after not having seen her for a few weeks. Instead of the usually talking talking talking, we took some ACTION and worked on my phobia of elevators. I wound up taking the elevator down a floor and up a floor. This has been the first time in over 15 years (excluding the special case of the elevator at the SDSU trolley station) I had even set foot in an elevator. It gave me a lot of self-esteem and the following day (Saturday) I decided to give taking the trolley a try. I took it two stops to Grossmont Center relatively panic free and rewarded myself with a new pair of shoes. Today, Sunday, I took the trolley again to Grossmont Center, since my trip there was cut short the day before (Ryan came and picked me up after he had gone to the Japanese market, which is just a bit past my comfort zone at the moment). I did have a bit of a panic attack on the return trip, when the trolley stopped in the middle of the tracks (that always made me feel nervous in the past) and I got that weird taste/feeling in my mouth as I did the last time Ry and I tried driving out to Kearny Mesa (where the Japanese market and Bird Crazy are) but I stuck through it (I guess I had to!)

In other news, I'm trying not to get sick! I've been surrounded by THE VIRUS (regular influenza), and have thus far remained fairly well. My body is definitely fighting it off, though.

Tomorrow, if I feel well, I will attempt to trolley to SDSU and yell at the cashier's office for still billing me for this fall, even though I've talked to them twice over the phone and have been told that it's "taken care of."

I need to start making money again. I did some transcription work from that, so I'll be seeing a bit of income from that. I'm hoping that a job opportunity I recently inquired about is legitimate. The company is calling for college graduates of linguistics or related fields who'd like to tutor ESL students in Japan over Skype. Boy, that would be great and quite perfect if I am to resume schooling in January.

I'm thinking seriously of changing my emphasis to Applied Linguistics/ESL (rather than Computational) since there are much more employment opportunities in that field, especially locally. I'll see how this next semester goes, wherein I'll actually be taking some rather interesting sounding Applied Linguistics courses.

I've been doing pretty well, on the whole. I joined a gym in my neighborhood earlier this past week. It's a small community one, where there haven't been more than five people at a time so far. Last time I went, the owner was there and he had brought his bulldog. She's a sweetie. She stared at me as I came in, as if to say "Oh, you are new!" and then, after some contemplation, came up to me for some petting.

Halloween was good. We went out to Ry's older sister's place for a small party. I started to panic as we neared the highway entrance, so Sammi and Ry agreed it'd be a good compromise to take the surface streets, which was still scary although not as bad. I sure am tired of agoraphobia.

My birthday was the day after and my friends Oren and Tara came over. My dad was in town, unannounced, which kind of stressed me out. We planned to have breakfast on my birthday but I guess he wound up not having an access to a car that morning or something and, since I had previous plans with my friends later that day, he wound up just driving over the next morning, before he returned home, to give me some pistachios and a hug.

A few days ago, I took a brave step and purchased a transit pass. I've yet to actually get on a bus or trolley, but the intent is there. I also became excited about returning to school, after seeing that there are a number of courses being offered this spring that actually interest me. There weren't really any classes this passing fall that interested me, which is why I'm not completely regretful about sitting this semester out.

Last night, I did wake up at about 5am a little panicky, albeit not nearly as panicky as any of the last times that's recently happened. It happened again tonight. In fact, I've been a bit on edge ever since I took a mid-afternoon nap. Even though I only slept for an hour, from 4:30pm until 5:30pm, I felt like I had slept all day since when I awoke the sun had already set! But, as I said, it's definitely not been as bad as other recent times...

I haven't seen my therapist since my appointment two weeks ago, where she kind of freaked me out by telling me I was on the verge of being hospitalized. Last week, I (intentionally) overslept and missed my appointment and I guess this week I just didn't have one scheduled, since I never got the "reminder call," that I usually get a day or two beforehand. To tell the truth, I'm getting anxious just thinking about the fact that I should make another appointment, since the last time I was there I was anxious. The last thing my therapist told me is that I should decide what I wanted to work on next and I wasn't quite sure what that should be. For a while I was thinking I didn't want to continue school, but now I know I do. I think I'd like to work on something that would allow me to return to school, branching out farther by riding the trolley. I'm fairly sure that she will just give me some pointers on how to gradually expose myself to riding the trolley, but I'm trying to remain patient and trust that this woman probably knows more than I do...

Haven't done too much these past few days aside from staying in bed and watching Hulu. I went for a jog on Saturday and Friday Ry and I did Wii Fit jogging. That's been the extent of my activity.

Yesterday (by this I mean Thursday), Ry had his sister's car for a couple hours before she got out of class so we planned on going to Bird Crazy and playing with the babies. I had a really bad panic attack halfway there and just wanted to go home. I had been feeling antsy beforehand, partially due to the fact that I was on my period and I'm still adjusting to the medicine and partially because my therapist kind of freaked me out when she told me that when I first started seeing her, I was just about bad enough to be hospitalized. Those words of hers just seem to be sticking in the back of my mind because I know that I'm not all the way out of this and that, if I can get better, I can also get worse somewhere down the line.

On a positive note, at least I TRIED to go to Bird Crazy despite feeling antsy.

My birthday is soon. I hope I can enjoy it.

Hung out with my friend SJ today. Looked at the secondhand clothing shops and thrift stores and such. I didn't get anything this time around, but SJ got a few things. I was pretty beat after running around town for 4-5 hours. After her bf picked her up, I biked to the grocery and picked up some tasty morsels. Got a lot of compliments on my dress and boots today. People in my neighborhood are always so nice.

Monday the lady who owns the clothing consignment shop (she always compliments me on my 'eccentric' outfits) told me I needed a job there. I couldn't tell if she was joking or not, but the idea of working there is a bit appealing. I, however, have a thing about working in places that I enjoy going to in my leisure time. I really do need a job and would like to have one closer to home since I am still working on my anxiety issues.

Speaking of anxiety, I think the reason behind why I had bad anxiety days a bit ago was because I was getting my period. Hormones lose.

Tomorrow I'm going to resume work on my Halloween cards. I've kind of slacked off on those and Halloween quickly approaches! I'll post pictures of them before I send them out.

Got undisturbed sleep again last night and I am so grateful.

Yesterday I made peanut butter cookies with chopped roasted peanuts and dark chocolate covered cranberries in them and lemon sugar cookies with monster faces made out of seeds and dried fruits. I made little cookie bags for our neighbor, Tim, who's been baking an awful lot lately and has been always been giving us many slices the cakes he's made, Sammi, Holly & Kris, and of course for Ry & I.

They came out DELICIOUS.

Yay! I actually slept all through the night last night without waking up in a panic.

from: Sarie
to: Ryan
date: Wed, Nov 9, 2005 at 2:36 AM
subject: I am buzzed off of girly drinks from They Might Be Giants at 4th & B

I have the hugest crush on you and have ever since before you talked
to me on the number 81 bus where I first met you.

The truth is, I thought you were cute and thought that you'd be drawn
in by the power of the DS (nerd nerd nerd). I am glad I was right and
that we are now friends because getting to know you more has only made
me like you more. Things were just more complicated for me back when
we first met, so that liking anyone new made me sort of sad -- but
that part is hard to explain.

Since then, I've discovered that, not only are you cute, but you are
an amazing and sweet person whom I feel comfortable and happy around.

The thing is, for the first time in a long time I feel generally
satisfied with life and for the first time I truly don't miss having
that fag of an ex-boyfriend around any more which makes me not so sad
about liking new people. I've recently discovered that not only do I
still like you, but that I really needed to tell you but didn't know
when or how since we are both such busy people anyway.

Maybe it is the slight bit of alcohol and excitement of this night
that is making me admit it to you electronically over one of the many
Internets. (nerd nerd nerd)

<3 Sarie

Panicky again. Ry and Sammi were too tired to drive home from Disneyland tonight, so I am home alone tonight. Only got two hours sleep before waking up in a panic. I want to sleep through the night, please.

Crap. Woke up panicky again. Not as bad as last night, though. Hoping this won't be a trend. Really don't want to increase my dosage.

Hoping I will feel a bit better tomorrow. I am having a friend over for a baking party. We will make delicious treats to give to people and to enjoy ourselves. Tomorrow is also the farmer's market, which is always exciting. Hopefully the socialization and activity will snap me out of this.

Ryan will be away all day tomorrow. He and his family are surprising his older sister at Disneyland for her birthday.